ive always been a "people watcher." maybe thats why i ended up in sociology (even though im a college dropout). maybe im just nosey. maybe its creepy. i dont really care the reason and it doesnt really matter much. this is a space for my observations about the people i see, the things they do, and the lives i create for them in my mind. as well as just general things, i was originally going to do a journals page but i feel like this can serve the same way.
i havent really gotten out much lately. i wish i have, but its hard. the weather is gettin nicer and people are coming out more. i myself have been spending more time in the sun lately. it really does help with the hard feelings. I think thats why other people go on walks and stuff too. people ride their bikes a lot around this area. mostly in groups. i see a lot of younger teens biking with their friends to the park down the road. its nice, i hope theyre having fun
i got kicked out of my parents house again. i love them very much but its been hard. I lived alone the last two years so its hard to adjust back into an environment where i am no longer the sole person in control of what i do. anywhoo, now i live with my bf. working on getting a job so that i can eventually get my own place. its been calm. its quite nice here and i like his family.
im nervous like a bad dog.
are you allowed to bite the hand that feeds if the hand bit you first?
i am nervous like a bad dog.
i growl and i shake but you dont stop.
why will i get put down for your mistakes?
ive finally found a job at a local cafe. im really happy honestly. it should give me some semblance of a reason to get out of bed and stuff. it really does seem like itll be a fun job. maybe now i can pay off my debt and ill want to shoot myself less. yikes....
been enjoying my job. i mean, i dont think my boss likes me very much but honestly that doesnt particularly bother me. i do wish i was getting paid more though. been working here about a month now. i should probably start putting dates on these posts.(its august 13, 2023) the last time i updated must have been like, idk end of june i guess. i really cant be sure.
my aunt and uncle were here visiting from serbia and my family pretended like they didnt shun me for a while. the performance of the whole thing kind of made me hate them more. i really dont appreciate the fakeness of it. depressing.
god its been forever since ive been able to update this. lots has happened. its march 27th 2024. i broke up with the guy who i was talking about before (hes a cheater)
and i have someone new in my life now. ive been learning javascript and css so there should be a lot of developments in the way the site looks lol.. i went to serbia for a month and a half.
i have my own apartment im not sure if that happened before lol.
ive had a lot of ups and downs and new experiences and shit. but mostly lately ive been pretty much a catatonic bedrot girl.
being a loser girlfriend really isnt as great as the internet tries to make it out to be... i really cant stand the fact that i have to be taken care of.
i know my boyfriend loves me and he cares but i cant help but think about how much better off he could be with someone more stable.
he swears up and down that thats not true but just from the most realistic possible standpoint like be so fr. i know its such a suicidality cliche but it doesnt make it feel less true.
oh well...
things have been going well lately. currently housesitting but for the most part im still not doing anything but sleeping.
ordered some taco bell and it should be here decently soon so i am actually pretty hype about that one im very hungry.
just ate the taco bell
pleased to inform you that it was delicious.
ive really gotta start taking job hunting more seriously. my main issue at the moment is my sleep schedule but it seems like i cant fix it no matter how hard i try
not that ive tried hard to be honest. (april 23)
things are still going decently pretty good. i keep having bouts of depression and really annoying irriability on occasion regardless.
it makes me feel so guilty when i snap on my boyfriend because he is so unbelieveably patient and kind. we have moved into our house and i just got hired to be a barista again
im pretty excited i think this job will be really fun. i have a friend from university coming to visit me in two weeks. im really excited to see him.
not totally sure if ive ever mentioned it on here but i was in university for two years doing varsity sports in another provence..
it was somehow simultaniously the best and worst time of my life. but alas, i dropped out and i am now a recentely un-neeted woman.
what i said before about being a loser girlfriend still stands. i feel completely useless to my boyfriend and honestly to everyone else in my life
its honestly kind of a crushing sense of gult for being alive. i constantly feel guilty. and im not sure if its warranted or not.
but id feel guilty if i asked someone about it because im being annoying for asking "self depricating questions"
i dont know,
if any of you can think of a way to fix that let me know.
i have to go to my doctor soon to talk about my antidepressants... they called a month ago but i thought i could just ignore it.
but this time they put on my bottle that i need to talk to the doctor if i want more refills. I dont want to talk to the doctor.
what am i even supposed to tell them? i still have intrusive thoughts, i still have thoughts of suicide, i see bugs and i think i have worms, the meds make me cry less
im sure theyll love that.
i dont think it can be helped much anyway.
theres a link to a contact page on my home screen if you want to message me. thanks for the help setting that up eq. (may 13, 2024)
its been a long while since ive updated. things have been really hectic. i got a job and then i got fired and then i didnt have a job for a while. now
im doing some on and off work for my dad.
im really exhausted all the time still. honestly im not sure things like that will ever change. im still avoiding my doctor.
my boyfriend is lovely and a breath of fresh air but i feel bad that he has to be with me. i wake up every morning and feel absolutely useless. genuinely the worst thing ever
i need to do more work on my coding. i have lots of course work to go through but ive been busy a bit the last two weeks with work. not that
thats really an excuse because i probably would have just slept the whole day anyways.
i have been using a lot of amphetamines i think yesterday was my first day not using any sort of substances in like a month or something. it feels weird. (september 10 2024)
its been a while since my last update. i got a new job at an adult store and managed to make some friends but unfortunately theyre all moving away?
ive been feeling ok but ive been having some trouble sleeping an ive been having really weird dreams. we have been strugglng with money a little lately.
vince is in school
at the moment so hes not making as much and my pay isnt really anything. but he does get a raise once hes done this level of school.
ive been quite content otherwise however i am very concerned that i may have some sort of worms or parasites. i will buy some deworming pills.
i was going to fast for 72 hours but im fat and i have no self control.
humphrey is laying on the desk and he looks so cute i cant even deal with it
im trying to get further along in my schooling i want to get a good job and move to serbia as soon as possible but im lazy and have no drive so its becoming difficult. i still feel weird
(january 8 2025)
lots more has happened again.. i got fired from my last job and my friend moved away yesterday. i got a new job at a resturant. its nice there but im not making enough money
i still have lots of trouble sleeping, went to bed at 6 am the last two days. i have started smoking a lot more weed as i found it was helping me relax but ive been in a depressive
episode lately so i just feel completely fucking braindead. i miss a few people and theres some people i wish i could know better but im scared.
my friend from childhood has come back into my life recently. its been really awesome having him around. my roommate and my boyfriend really like him.
its been really refreshing seeing someone who just never really changed that much.
my roommate was talking about one of my old playlists the other day and im listening to it as i write this entry. he sent me a text saying it is really nostalgic for him.
i used to play it every day on my tv in my dorm back in the day. i wonder if i can find a picture somewhere of my old dorm to post here. it really is nostalgic.
my friend who left is almost at the city i went to university in. i wonder if she knows how special it is there.
i miss my old life and i miss being wanted and loved always. but those things are always conditional it seems.
theres some very interesting people at my work.
my roommate and my boyfriend dont even have access to this page. to be fair, they never actually asked. they hear the ramblings of a suicidal girl every day living with me
anyways
i miss being a young girl who still had room to make mistakes. everything has fucking consequences now.
the playlist i was talking about isnt on the playlists page yet but ill add it now. so you should be able to check it out there. im trying to decide if i should add spotify links
its not like anyones actually reading my website, but if you are and you want spotify links, you can contact me through the contact page. i would like it if you did.
(april 29 2025)
some small updates, my least favourite co worker got fired and thats great. i was off my meds for a while and i wasnt feeling good at all. like really not good
im feeling better today, so hopefully itll be up from here. i planned out my boyfriends birthday party. i rented a cabin and i invited his friends and were going to have a lot of fun
im actually really excited about it right now. i think it will be a really awesome time. ive updated my playlist pages to include spotify links, so enjoy those and the rest of my spotify.
i might be taking off my bandcamp soon, i dont like having it up here. so we will see ill sit on it some more. (may 23 2025)
i am back, my computer got hacked and that caused me issues for a short time and then my phone got stolen and that caused even moreeeee issues.
i have a new co worker who is very fun and we hang out sometimes. planning a bonfire this weekend for some of my friends to come over
im still getting not nearly enough shifts and im desperately looking for jobs and i cannot find one it is torture.
theres lots of things i want to do right now but the main thing would be getting a job so i can make money to go back to school for something
anyways short update but i had to do some other website stuff too. (july 30, 2025)
hello again, thinking a lot about tattoos today. i have a few already but i really want more. been looking at a lot of blackwork and bigger blackout stuff
i have the most insane piercing bumps on my eyebrow piercing that i have been trying everything to get rid of. one of them was looking real juicy today
i let my roommate poke it with a needle and we squeezed as much shit as we could out of it. hopefully it did something because it hurts now.
i have a small one coming in on my nose piercing again now and im honestly losing my patience. if anyone knows how to take care of that problem email me.
i need to update this website more often and more causally. i dont meant to be so depressed and pretentious all the time but i do keep a webpage so
what can you really expect from me. me and my boyfriend have set up my computer and the vr headset in my room so now we can play vr games
i played vrsuperhot and was killing it if i do say so myself. its quite the workout though, my knees cant take it like they used too.
who knew id feel 90 at 22. goodnight. (august 11, 2025)
i finally got around to making a portal page from neocities to here, i need to start coding more it took me way longer to figure that out than it should have.
anyways maybe ill get some more people poking around, ive got a lot to do on here though. pls mail me im up so late evry night and im literally so bored
my roommate and my boyfriend are always asleep so early. i end up sittin at the computer till 5 am every day.
i went to the deftones concert the other day and it was so good. ill be driving to toronto next week for system of a down. i am VERY excited. (august 29,2025)